Tech Cartoon Links:
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Engineering office humor from world famous Scott Adams. Get to know Dilbert, Dogbert, Ratbert, Wally and the Boss. |
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Comic strip about technology, managing technology, the business of technology and all the odd characters that work together in that field by Hans Bjordahl. |
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The Joy of Tech by Nitrozac & Snaggy is a geek comic satire series about life on the web. Also check out Geek Culture Blog with funny videos. Excerpt on left is from a field guilde to WiFi users at Starbucks. |
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User Friedly archived tech cartoons by J.D. "Illiad" Frazer look at online users and their comical frustrations. |
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Extralife comics by Scott Johnson are broader than just computer and technical topics but worth the read. Also there are funny podcasts, forums and videos! |
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xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language by Randall Munroe, all done with stick figures. |
A Few Assorted Jokes from the Internet:
Bumper Stickers
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Of all the things I miss, I guess I miss my mind the most.
I brake for lattes.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Make yourself at home...clean my kitchen.
I smile 'cuz I have no idea what's going on.
Men...you can't live with them and you can't shoot them.
Pulled over
A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window.
"Good afternoon sir"
"Good afternoon, any problems ?"
"No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour
now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you
have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the
fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "solid driving awareness
program" I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."
The driver lets out a big sigh of relief:
"Oh good ! Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license. (Ooops!)"
Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat goes:
"Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."
Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat:
"Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car ? "
At this time the trunck pops open and a head peeks out:
"Are we over the border yet ?"
Dilbertisms
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good w/ketchup.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
I Read It On The Internet
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all of the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Internet Addiction Disorder
As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.
A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Diagnostic Criteria
(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction
(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet
(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following
(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome
(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.
(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:
(a) psychomotor agitation
(b) anxiety
(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet
(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet
(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers
(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning
(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended
(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use
(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials
(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.
(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)
The Bicycle
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Hunting Schedule
1:00 am Alarm clock rings
2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am Set up camp
6:05 am Head for the woods
6:06 am See eight deer
6:07 am Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am CLICK
8:00 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am Head back to camp
12:00 NOON Fire gun for help--eat wild berries
12:15 pm Run out of bullets--eight deer come back
12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm Rescued
12:55 pm Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm Load gun--Leave camp again
5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm Load gun
6:02 pm Fire gun
6:03 pm One dead pick-up
6:05 pm Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm Fall into fire
6:10 pm Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block
6:26 pm Start walking
6:30 pm Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm Meet bear
6:36 pm Take aim
6:37 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud
6:38 pm Mess pants
6:39 pm Climb tree
9:00 pm Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight Home at last
Amazing it got done in six days
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth." The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...
At this point God created Hell
The Frog
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it backin his pocket. The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.' The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is really cool!'
You May Be a Geek if.....You...
1. Have e-mail addresses on more than 3 servers.
2. For fun you think up funny domain names. (My favorite is "www.dot.com" get it? dot-dot-dot-com.
3. Have more money invested in your computer than your car. ...and don't see any thing wrong with it.
4. Would rather die than buy a "dummies" book.
5. Think people who can't set the clock on the VCR are pathetic.
6. Have ever tried to verbally coax an answer from your computer.
7. Have ever included :-) in an e-mail message.
8. Have ever used a computer for more than 6 straight hours (while not at work).
9. Have ever used a computer past 4AM.
10. Own more than 6 computer books thicker than 2 inches.
11. Just measured books in an attempt to dodge the above.
12. Have ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend.
13. Find yourself interrupting computer store salesman to correct something he said.
14. The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer system. ...and offer advice on how you would change it.
15. Have ever mounted a magnetic tape reel.
16. Own any shareware.
17. You know more IP addresses than phone numbers.
18. Have ever accidentally dialed an IP address.
19. Friends use you as tech support.
20. Have ever named a computer.
21. Have your local computer store on speed dial.
22. Can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers.
23. Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building.
24. Have ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry.
25. Your computer has it's own phone line - but your teenager doesn't.
26. You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window).
27. You know more URLs than street addresses.
28. Your pet has a web page.
29. You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.
30. You have ever dismantled a floppy ... and reassembled it... and it worked!.
31. You have ever sent E-mail to someone sitting next to you.
32. You have ever had a dream involving computers.
33. You have ever modified an ini file.
34. You would sell your grandmother for more bandwidth.
35. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
36. You get up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
37. You've entered that USR X2 contest so many times you get e-mail saying "Forget it Mike you are not going to win, just go buy the modem".
38. You know what the USR X2 contest is.
39. If you have ever dozed off while at the computer.
40. Have ever e-mailed yourself .
41. The tech support folks at your ISP call YOU for the tough ones.
42. You have more than one copy of the same version of software on your machine.
43. You have ever submitted a tip to windows95.com.
44. You have ever chatted with someone while talking to them on the phone.
45. You are surprised that there are other real foods besides pizza.
A Letter from your mama...
Dear Son:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
